


Script? Bleep the Script!

by IHScribe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: And he's not happy about it, Crack, Edward Cullen is crazy, Gen, Harry Potter is Bella Swan, It's totally crack, Let's call this what it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 15:18:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1352203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHScribe/pseuds/IHScribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angering Death is generally a bad idea. Which led to his current predicament. He had gone to sleep as Harry Potter, and woken up as Bella Swan. On an airplane. On the way to Forks. Rated M for Harry/Bella's mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Script? Bleep the Script!

**Author's Note:**

> Fandoms: Harry Potter, Twilight
> 
> Characters: Harry Potter (as Bella Swan), The Cullens
> 
> Prompt: Master of Death!Harry pisses off Death somehow. In revenge, Death reincarnates Harry as Bella Swan. Harry refuses to follow the books, which he has read before.
> 
> Prompt Made By: RuneWitchSakura
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the following series(es) or any character(s) that follow, and unless I. H. Scribe is listed after Prompt Made By chances are I don't own the idea for this story either.
> 
> Note: Harry is referred to as Harry, even while using female pronouns, except for when someone is addressing him/her by name, upon which he/she will be referred to as Bella.

Angering Death is generally a bad idea. The reason for that is, well, it's  _Death_. Pissing it off generally leads to bad things. Unfortunately, Harry's family has a habit of pissing of Death, starting with the three brothers that magicked up a bridge over a river, going through to a Dark Lord that made soul containers to beat death, and ending with Harry.

Harry had collected all three Deathly Hallows and become Master of Death. Death didn't usually mind, but on occasion it had mood swings, and in one of Death's mood swings, Harry had said something wrong. He wasn't even sure what it was that he said wrong, but Death had been furious.

Which led to his current predicament.

He had gone to sleep as Harry Potter, and woken up as Bella Swan. On an airplane. On the way to Forks. Thankfully, he, or rather she, had the sense of mind to put up a notice-me-not (small enough not to effect the plane's function) before she let loose with a string of curses that would make a sailor blush, and then pass out from shock.

She had read the books once. It wasn't going to happen to her. If Death expected her to follow through with the original script, it had another thing coming. Edward Cullen would stay the fuck away from her if he knew what was good for him.

* * *

Edward Cullen did  _not_  know what was good for him.

On the plus side, Harry had made friends with the rest of the Cullen kids, who thought Edward's attempt to woo her were cute, or at least thought her attempts to cause harm the immortally seventeen year old were cute. So far she had thrown him through a wall, slammed his face into a locker and a desk, and given him a kick to the balls  _six_  times (magically enhanced, of course, so as not to hurt herself).

He didn't get the hint that she wasn't interested.

And then Rosalie thought it would be funny to invite her to their house.

* * *

"Bella, this is Carlisle and Esme, our adoptive parents. Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella," Jasper introduced them.

"She's my girlfriend," Edward said with a smile, putting an arm around Harry's shoulders.

"Fuck that shit," Harry said, elbowing the vampire in the face hard, causing the venom that served as the vampire's blood to start pouring out of his nose.

Harry ignored Alice chirping, "Language, Bella."

"She doesn't know what she's saying," Edward mumbled, trying to stop the flow of venom.

"Do I need to kick you in the balls again, Pervert?"

"Bella, language," Alice chirped again.

"I'll stop cursing when he gets a fucking clue."

"You'll be cursing for all of eternity at this rate," Emmett said.

Edward's eyes lit up, "Eternity?"

"No," Harry said, picking Edward up and slamming him into the dining room table, shattering it into pieces. She then turned to Esme and Carlisle, and smiled, "I'll pay for the table!"

* * *

"She loves me," Edward murmured dreamily, when Emmett finally drove Bella home. Carlisle had managed to find another table, so Bella could have some of Esme's cooking.

"Yes, Edward," Rosalie said, sarcastically. "That's why she tried stabbing you in the face with her steak knife, and her butter knife, and her fork, and her spoon, _and_  why she shoved those seven broken chair legs up your ass, and then beat you with the eighth."

"Sometimes love hurts," Edward argued.

"Bella must love you a lot then," Jasper muttered.

"I know," Edward sighed dreamily.

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Carlisle asked.

"Edward has a crush on Bella, but Bella would rather let Jane use her powers full blast on her," Alice said.

"Alice, that's nothing to joke about," Esme said.

"She's not joking," Rosalie said.

"Bella said exactly that at school yesterday, although she used more, ah,  _colorful_  language to say it," Jasper said.

"I have no idea where she heard of Jane though," Alice said. "Bella said we were the first vampires she ever met and none of us mentioned her."

"Bella knows we're vampires?"

* * *

Harry was not only invited to the Cullen's baseball game, she was invited to play with them.

"Anyone who can do that much damage to one of us with her bare hands deserves a chance to play," Emmett said.

And then the other vampires showed up, which would have been great, except they had red eyes, making them human-drinkers, rather than animal-drinkers.

"Oh look, you brought a snack," one of them said, looking straight at Harry. Harry opened her mouth to protest, but before she could, Edward put his arm around her shoulders and growled at them. Harry shut her mouth, glared at Edward, and then proceeded to beat him with the baseball bat.

"What the fuck did I tell you about touching me, you shitty little perverted fucker?" Harry yelled. The three human-drinkers watched in horrified awe as Harry hit Edward so hard so many times that the bat began to bend into the shape of Edward's head.

"Holy shit," the female vampire said.

"I'm suddenly not hungry anymore," the one who had called her a snack said.

"I don't think I'll ever be hungry again," the last one said.

Laurent would convert to animal-drinking with help from the Denali clan, while Victoria and James left for the East Coast as soon as they could manage it.

* * *

Harry spent most of her time in Forks cursing and beating the shit out of Edward. Harry spent most of her time  _not_  in Forks on the local reservation where she managed to convince most of the wolf pack to join the  _The Cullens Are Awesome – Except For Edward, He's A Fucking Douche_  club.

Harry was, naturally, President of the club. Jacob and Seth shared the Vice President post – Seth for the 'Cullens Are Awesome' part and Jacob for the 'Edward's a Douche' part. Leah was treasurer, because Harry had gone straight up to Sam the day after he imprinted on Emily, and punched him in the face; and also, Leah was really good at math.

Harry refrained from cursing (there were impressionable young ears around) as he informed Sam that he was an even bigger douche than Edward, and he should really work on that as being a bigger douche that Edward was nothing to be proud of.

* * *

Esme was shocked to see the majority of the Volturi standing on her front porch when she answered the door.

"Oh, uh, hello. To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?"

Aro raised an eyebrow, and then handed over a decorative invitation with words written in a cursive script.

_You are Cordially Invited_

_to the Wedding of_

_Edward Cullen_

_and_

_Isabella Swan_

At the bottom, in Edward's handwriting, was  _P.S. Alice wants to speak to Jane._

"Oh, that boy," Esme said. "She's going to murder him for this."

Alice ran down the stairs, grabbing the invitation and Jane's hand, before heading out the back, yelling, "Everyone to the backyard!"

"Alice, are you sure this is a good idea," Carlisle said, after reading the invitation.

"Bella'd meet the Volturi one way or another. Trust me, this is the best way."

"How is a meeting in your backyard the best way?" Harry asked.

"No one will see the damage from the front," Alice said. "Jane this is Bella. Have you met before?"

"No?" At least Jane was certain she hadn't. She took a good look at Harry. "No, I've never even seen her before today."

"Huh. That's weird, because she told us she'd rather have you use your powers on her full blast than do anything with Edward."

"Then why did we get an invitation to, er?" Aro asked, trailing off in confusion.

"Invitation to what?" Harry asked. Carlisle handed the invitation over for Harry to read. Harry read it, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes, read it again, and then handed it back to Carlisle. The Cullens, excluding Edward, took several steps back, pulling the members of the Volturi along with them.

"Edward?"

"Yes, my love?" Edward said, smiling brightly, sure that Harry would happily marry him.

"You fucking shithead!" Harry yelled, kicking him in the balls. Edward was lifted several inches off the ground.

Harry didn't give him any time to recover before grabbing him by the legs and slamming him into the ground several times. When she got tired of that, she ripped a tree out of the ground and began to slam that into Edward.

"Are, are you not going to stop this?" Caius asked, stunned by the immense violence.

Emmett snorted, "You want to be the one to get in between her and the target of her anger, be my guest. I'm not doing it."

As Harry picked Edward up and threw him through four separate trees in one throw, the rest of the vampires had to agree with Emmett. They weren't doing it either.

* * *

"Hi Bella, honey," Charlie said. "How was your day with the Cullens?"

"Fine, until Edward tried to make me marry him."

Charlie shook his head. The Cullens were a wonderful family, except for Edward, who seemed to be the only bad apple of the bunch. One day, the boy would figure out Bella wasn't interested and would move on.

"You show him who's boss?"

"Yep."

"Good girl."

**Author's Note:**

> I am accepting prompts on Fanfiction.net and Livejournal. For more information on prompts, click [here for FF.net](http://www.fanfiction.net/u/5241068/) and go to the Accepting Prompts Section, or click [here for livejournal](http://ihscribe.livejournal.com/557.html) and see the Accepting Prompts post.


End file.
